On September 23, 2009 my dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer. The location of the cancer was at the worst position, the top of the fundus. This would require a total gastrectomy the doctor explained. My parents came home and handed me a piece of paper which instructed my dad to get a CT scan of the chest, abdomen and pelvis to determine the extent of the cancer in his body. This was one day after my birthday, the first day of my 28th year alive, that we found out that my dad's health was deteriorating.
The next three days felt like 2 weeks as they were filled with phone calls to relatives and friends. "You can't get so upset because of what one doctor told you! Get a second opinion!" quipped my mom's best friend, a veteran nurse of 30+ years.
"Lets not tell too many people," said dad. "I'm only telling the people that should know," said mom.
That night we had 8 guests over, 10 more the next night. Their friends have made trips from Arizona to see them, forced envelopes with thousands of dollars of cash which surely made a dent on their own retirement plans and fed him until he could eat no more. I realized that my parents only surrounded themselves with the most important people and I admired them for that. I prepared prosciutto with canteloupe, and ravaged a small garden as I juiced vegetables and fruits for the people who trickled in. I made an arugula salad with thinly sliced mushrooms and parmesean. It was a poor attempt to mimick the salad we had enjoyed at the restaurant for my birthday dinner the day before. The day before cancer came into our lives. I plated sashimi on the rectangular dishes I had bought my mom over the summer which we had been saving for a special occasion. Fuck saving things for special occasions. Everyday that you're surrounded by the most important people in your life is a special occasion. I feet that deeply and I vow to remember this always.
We found out that my dad only had Medicare, not Medical (or is it vice versa?) and though he could get tests and xrays for free, he would not be financially covered for hospital admissions and surgery. Mind you he's 67 and has been retired, on paper, for 2 years now. What kind of bullshit healthcare system is this? After some insight from the doctor who diagnosed my dad and a little research, we found out that the incidence of stomach cancer is highest in Japanese males over the age of 60, followed by Korean males. Moreover treatment outcomes are much more successful in Asia than in the U.S. due to preventative screening, early detection, aggressive surgury and better post-op care. The decision was made to send my dad to have surgery in Korea.
My parents left last Thursday and I'll join them Friday morning in Seoul at Yosei's Severance Hospital for his Laproscopic Total Gastrectomy. I don't fear the surgery. I want the cancerous cells out. I mourn however, for our simple existance that was free from illness, free from the unknown. I mourn for my dad who will lose at least 20lbs as his absorption will be altered. His first hurdle will be to overcome the nausea and hold down 1oz of a protein shake. This is a man who flexes his calves and laughs at how his muscles are comparable to a small watermelon. He will have to swallow Vitamin B pills, folic acid pills and drink supplemental protein shakes for the rest of his life. God, please let him tolerate food normally so we can return to some semblance of normalcy in the future.
My dad told me the day he was diagnosed, "If I live a long life, I'll live to be 80 years old. That leaves me 13 years... now if I live the full 13 years or live a little less is of small importance." I wish he could live forever because I am selfish and never will anyone love me as my dad does.
here's a photo of my grandmother, mom & dad circa 1982. i'm the bump in my mom's belly. there's mt rainier looming in the background. we returned yesterday from a 5 day pilgrimage to seattle. my parents were shocked at how much had changed.
i got to check out the hospital i was born at, rode a boat up puget sound to victoria b.c. and circled mt ranier but never got to see it (it was hiding behind a thick fog). however, my parents had a good time reminiscing. i had a great time dragging my dad out to a jazz club and making him drink beer w/me.
quick impression: new york is dazzling, yet expensive. los angeles is home, but polluted. san francisco is beautiful, but cramped. chicago is romantic, yet cold. seattle is smart, clean and green...
I've been a nurse for five months now. One of my patients died on sunday. He died during my shift but I hadn't been assigned to him that day. He had been transfered to the ICU a few days prior because his blood pressure was bottoming out. When I had taken care of him it took me a few hours to control the bleeding from his nose, his left eye and iv site. I probably did about 20 dressing changes, changed his sheets three times and transfused 3 units of blood. Poor guy, liver failure. He was so confused and talking jibberish from the ammonia buildup in his brain. However, i was told that he was a really nice guy and totally alert and oriented when he was first admitted to our unit. Gave perfume to all the nurses. May have been a pop singer in India because a CD with his mug was hanging on the corkboard in his room. Encepalopathy, one big word to group a myriad of symptoms.
I still don't feel like a nurse, at least not the kind I aspire to be. I don't know how to deal with families who are mad or patients who are extremely needy and know more about their diagnosis and their medications than I ever could. I suspect there will be patients like this as long as I choose to work in healthcare. I work with people. People from all kinds of backgrounds and with all kinds of histories. One common thread in their life stories is that they ended up with liver failure. The liver is the most fascinating organ in my opinion (aside from the heart and its automatic cells). I once heard that japanese scientists tried to build a machine that could carry out the 400+ functions of the liver and it filled a gigantic room. Ours fits snuggly into the upper right quadrant of our thoracic cavity, has two lobes and regenerates. Cool, no? Girls, don't take diet pills. We had one girl in her early 20's who went into acute liver failure after taking some herbal diet pills she had ordered from the internet. Kids, don't do drugs either... at least not for the long haul. One lady had some unpenetrable, sclerotic veins from long term iv drug use and had 12 iv start attempts showcased up and down both arms. She was also jaundiced and yellow down to the whites of her eyes. I kept thinking Bart Simpson.
I'm getting intimate with the liver but I scared. Hepatitis C, now even D and E. I went to my school's graduation to see my old roomate walk. She was one semester behind me. I didn't laugh but I sighed at how happy they were to be done with school. Little do you know what you have in store, I thought. I hate when people say "oh, you're a nurse? Nurses make so much MONEY." Nurses aren't paid enough when you consider how taxing it is physically, mentally and emotionally. Plus after union dues, insurance, licensing fees, continuting education classes and taxes what's left is not much. But, i ain't complaining. I get to be a beach bum for the majority of the week when I'm not working. Most of all I get to experience this universal feeling of being connected to people. Our culture doesn't allow us the oppourtunity to touch others, strangers, intimately (and appropriately). However, the feeling never leaves me. The feeling of despair, suffering, regret, remorse and failure. I'm starting to make a list of things that I have to experience before I die: aurora borealis, cuba, live in hawaii, be a mom, have kids. The list starts off a bit grandiose and other-worldly but shifts inward as I start to think about who I want to be, who I will choose to become. Then I get depressed when I realize that I'm stuck in system of ideologies and that my own progression through said system and the projected outcome is premeditated, fairly mundane and expected if i don't consciously change the course of direction.
I am depressed but thats ok because I'm going to learn to cope. Right now it consists of venting to the bf, liquor, the ocean and hot yoga. God bless all you souls that have nurses in your lives.
after i saw this trailer, i've been antsy waiting for it's release:
today i found out that they're performing in LA:
Young @ Heart Alive & Well ONE NIGHT ONLY in LA
April 10, 2008
Young @ Heart Alive & Well ONE NIGHT ONLY Thursday April 17, 2008 7:30 PM Wilshire Theater 8440 Wilshire Blvd Beverly Hills, CA ticket info : wilshire theater box office and ticketmaster
